Well I did it!... Finally found a place after 4 long dreary months. I have to say I was so stressed move in day. I was so worried something would back fire. But it didn't... It sure has been one large adjustment from motel life to having this large home. But it feels good. The only thing of the motel I miss is having a real bad. Hardwood floors man are NO GOOD!.... If your just reading this then it's cause I am WAY behind on my journals due to no internet. But I will be back online soon. So glad cause I am going so crazy without it. But making due only cause I have too.
Move in night I made kids and I pizza. Then when they were all tucked away I layed on the floor in the living room and watched the fire. It was so peaceful and relaxing. Which was well needed cause it was nothing but running around that day. Not much to move in really have no furniture to move in on that day anyhow. Well if there is a gap in dates or post it's cause I went and haven't updated them all. Anyways I will always return cause this sure does help. And to my dearest closest friend though we have never meant in person but have known each other for a few years now. I sure do miss ya girl. And all the chats. I hope this little post finds you well and hanging in. Send my love overseas to Shayne and give them kids a kiss and hug for me. Love ya girl and miss ya tons. I am doing fine holding my own at the moment.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Thoughts of the morning
Well time is approaching fast. Yes still don't seem real!... Steph honey the next time you read this remember Shayne,you and the kids are in my thoughts. I will so miss you and the support, and friendship you and me have. Remember as you tell me TAKE YOUR MEDS!... Shayne will be home then cherish every moment of it you,him and the kids.
And if for some reason I don't get to chat with you before Thanksgiving you have a safe trip to Heathers and your parents. But remember to drop me a line. And please drive safe. Have Heather change subjects for you when it gets uncomfortable with your mom. Love ya girl and will miss ya. I promise to get back online soon.
I'm not the only one who thought by getting a home would make Bill and I less stressed. I mean I know now things between us will never change. Just wish I had some one to give me a hug. Crying is impossible the pain is just to much. The darkness,emptiness,lonliness,worthliness,anxiety omg I seem to always have that which makes it hard cause chest hurts almost all the time now. It never seems to end. Though he has agreed to take me to the attorney on Fri. And he did tell the kids yesterday when he picked them up from school.
I guess kinda whats so confusing to me is that when we thought we had a house and the old lady changed her mind for BIZARRE reasons and I mean truly only if you had heard her reasons. Any how he cryed yes a grown man crying I knew then he was fustrated with this whole homeless thing. And they say men don't cry. No not like he admitted it but it wasn't the first time I had seen him cry either. But it just hurts me MAJORLY he crys over a house. But don't show no emotion about the fact a 14 1/2 year marriage is ending.
Like he has told me before it's been nothing but pure HELL for him all them years. Bill I am so sorry. I truly am. I know I never did NOTHING right. I mean do men really have feelings, do they have a heart? The emotinal,feeling kind of heart.
And if for some reason I don't get to chat with you before Thanksgiving you have a safe trip to Heathers and your parents. But remember to drop me a line. And please drive safe. Have Heather change subjects for you when it gets uncomfortable with your mom. Love ya girl and will miss ya. I promise to get back online soon.
I'm not the only one who thought by getting a home would make Bill and I less stressed. I mean I know now things between us will never change. Just wish I had some one to give me a hug. Crying is impossible the pain is just to much. The darkness,emptiness,lonliness,worthliness,anxiety omg I seem to always have that which makes it hard cause chest hurts almost all the time now. It never seems to end. Though he has agreed to take me to the attorney on Fri. And he did tell the kids yesterday when he picked them up from school.
I guess kinda whats so confusing to me is that when we thought we had a house and the old lady changed her mind for BIZARRE reasons and I mean truly only if you had heard her reasons. Any how he cryed yes a grown man crying I knew then he was fustrated with this whole homeless thing. And they say men don't cry. No not like he admitted it but it wasn't the first time I had seen him cry either. But it just hurts me MAJORLY he crys over a house. But don't show no emotion about the fact a 14 1/2 year marriage is ending.
Like he has told me before it's been nothing but pure HELL for him all them years. Bill I am so sorry. I truly am. I know I never did NOTHING right. I mean do men really have feelings, do they have a heart? The emotinal,feeling kind of heart.
Moving day and NOT excited
Well again here I am in the middle of the night wide awake. Back up at 2am. Went to neopets,read emails and now here I am writing. If there's any one who is ever up or wants to chat just drop me a line any time at dayxdreamxangel@aol.com, or unlucky_2_b_me@yahoo.com.
Ok as for the unlucky email them are underscores (_) between them but can't til cause they are underlined. I know weird email addys huh? Oh well I happen to pick them as how I feel. I am unlucky and I do day dream ALOT.
Insomnia oh how it does suck. Ok well today is moving day!.. Yes... So why am I not happy. Been homeless since mid summer and I finally got a home. Could it be the fact that I had seriously thought that by calling a divorce lawyer while Bill was here was going to change anything? Yeah..Right.. Whatever!... I knew better then that. But you know what thats ok. Ok so I say that now but later it will be different. I hate the up and down roller coaster of emotions.
Kids are so excited about moving in today. I mean they get there own rooms,space,toys and a yard to play in lol. They are so excited!.. Me I'm looking forward to NOT being in this small 4 walled room. And oh my most favorite of the house is the fireplace. May not be able to have a romantic night but I will sure enjoy the piece and crackling of logs. I won't have internet but should by the end of the week! Oh yes I so live for my computer. Have to say it's my best friend. LMAO.. So maybe that's not true but you know what. Oh well.
No t.v.,no internet omg what am I going to do. I am going to be board out of my mind. I'm already crazy so I can't do that. Still got to do some packing in the room can't do that til the kids are up.
After 11 am I won't be online. I will so miss it. But I will just go to the library and get online for a hour later. *fingers crossed* LoL. But I will be glad when phone is on and dsl is hooked up.
I just hope the neighbor don't come over. She did the other night while we were there and I really don't like her. Ok I don't like no one. But that's beside the point. I do have a best friend online met a few years back never met in person but she does help me thru the tough times. Even if it is everyday. And her sister to though we rarely talk she is just always so busy. But were usually in each others thought. And well Jack he's my best friend as well. He just doesn't know it.
Well my plans for today is to get moved into the new place. And when all the kids are bathed and tucked in bed relax by the fireplace. Just me,myself and I. Guess you could say camp out in the living room. Since I do love camping it'll just be indoors. ;)
Though sitting here thinking which is ALL I ever do. The wondering mind. I probably won't beable to visit the library today. Gonna move in,get things out of storage, (so glad) and get it in and then go buy groceries. OMG yes a REAL fridge with freezer. And a stove that really works and a oven. Oh my been homeless way to long. Can't you tell? Will never EVER be homeless again. Kids are already requesting mom's famous lasagna. The one thing I know how to do is cook. I say only if moms not to tired. If so it's pizza from the oven LOL. In front of the fireplace with them at least tell I get us a kitchen table to stick in the dining room.
Ok so maybe I am getting a tad bit excited. But won't officially tell we exchange check for keys lol. It just won't same real.
Ok it's time to closeout Jason is sitting in his pack n play waiting to be put back to sleep will most likely write another entry before I break down the computer.
Ok as for the unlucky email them are underscores (_) between them but can't til cause they are underlined. I know weird email addys huh? Oh well I happen to pick them as how I feel. I am unlucky and I do day dream ALOT.
Insomnia oh how it does suck. Ok well today is moving day!.. Yes... So why am I not happy. Been homeless since mid summer and I finally got a home. Could it be the fact that I had seriously thought that by calling a divorce lawyer while Bill was here was going to change anything? Yeah..Right.. Whatever!... I knew better then that. But you know what thats ok. Ok so I say that now but later it will be different. I hate the up and down roller coaster of emotions.
Kids are so excited about moving in today. I mean they get there own rooms,space,toys and a yard to play in lol. They are so excited!.. Me I'm looking forward to NOT being in this small 4 walled room. And oh my most favorite of the house is the fireplace. May not be able to have a romantic night but I will sure enjoy the piece and crackling of logs. I won't have internet but should by the end of the week! Oh yes I so live for my computer. Have to say it's my best friend. LMAO.. So maybe that's not true but you know what. Oh well.
No t.v.,no internet omg what am I going to do. I am going to be board out of my mind. I'm already crazy so I can't do that. Still got to do some packing in the room can't do that til the kids are up.
After 11 am I won't be online. I will so miss it. But I will just go to the library and get online for a hour later. *fingers crossed* LoL. But I will be glad when phone is on and dsl is hooked up.
I just hope the neighbor don't come over. She did the other night while we were there and I really don't like her. Ok I don't like no one. But that's beside the point. I do have a best friend online met a few years back never met in person but she does help me thru the tough times. Even if it is everyday. And her sister to though we rarely talk she is just always so busy. But were usually in each others thought. And well Jack he's my best friend as well. He just doesn't know it.
Well my plans for today is to get moved into the new place. And when all the kids are bathed and tucked in bed relax by the fireplace. Just me,myself and I. Guess you could say camp out in the living room. Since I do love camping it'll just be indoors. ;)
Though sitting here thinking which is ALL I ever do. The wondering mind. I probably won't beable to visit the library today. Gonna move in,get things out of storage, (so glad) and get it in and then go buy groceries. OMG yes a REAL fridge with freezer. And a stove that really works and a oven. Oh my been homeless way to long. Can't you tell? Will never EVER be homeless again. Kids are already requesting mom's famous lasagna. The one thing I know how to do is cook. I say only if moms not to tired. If so it's pizza from the oven LOL. In front of the fireplace with them at least tell I get us a kitchen table to stick in the dining room.
Ok so maybe I am getting a tad bit excited. But won't officially tell we exchange check for keys lol. It just won't same real.
Ok it's time to closeout Jason is sitting in his pack n play waiting to be put back to sleep will most likely write another entry before I break down the computer.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Why do I care?
Ok this whole journal thing is suppose to be someplace to tell how you feel. So why do I care what others think about my last posting. No not like anyone has said anything about it. Shouldn't care even if they did right? I mean there my feelings.
Guess maybe I should explain. I'm the really the only one who cares about them. I realize I'm married but I can't help it. Not married for much longer though. I called a divorce lawyer and it's scheduled to get the detainers and everything up in running on Fri at 12 pm. Bill just left to get the kids from school. Jason is napping. Gives me a hour and 45 mins to myself. Space as I call it.
Ever hurt so bad that you can't even cry? Well I do at the moment. I just wish I had someone to hold me in there arms and just say it's going to be ok. I mean what I wouldn't give just to hear the words I LOVE YOU again. And have them truly meant. You know even though I like the dr. ok (Jack) is his name seems more proper to use his name. One he'd never have no interest in me as one I am his patient. And two I'm fat,ugly and well mentally ill. And 3. I would hate to have another relationship or even marriage for that fact for me just to allow myself to be hurt again. 4. I do believe he is married. I can't stand the hurt no more. All I ever wanted was for Bill to love me for me. I no there is no true meaning of NORMAL. But HELL I want to be NORMAL again. I wanna to be loved to know I mean something to somebody. Except I feel used and well thrown to the curb like garbage. I want to be pretty like I once was.
You know the only thing I ever did right was having my kids. Everything else I regret. I knew they said love hurts. I am not even sure it's love. I think it's more the depression. I mean I am pretty much a single mother now just living with the other half. Who really does nothing at ALL.
I mean I use to have dreams. One I always wanted to be a singer. Yes I know a singer. Never going to happen. And a midwife or ob/gyn those were my career dreams. My other one was learning to ride a motorcycle and owning a log cabin home. So not going to happen either. I mean I really don't do nothing right.
And never finished school dropped out of 10 th and moved away from home. I mean really how many fat women ride bikes. The only thing I got going for me are my breast lmao. At least when a man does look at me they talk to the breast instead of my face I know I got a little of something they like. I mean men don't like fat women. None I know of at least. Sorry women this is just how I feel. Please don't take it personally to you if anyone reads this. Well Jason is awake and he is saying it's play time so time to wind this down and go play with baby. At least I had time to get this out.
Guess maybe I should explain. I'm the really the only one who cares about them. I realize I'm married but I can't help it. Not married for much longer though. I called a divorce lawyer and it's scheduled to get the detainers and everything up in running on Fri at 12 pm. Bill just left to get the kids from school. Jason is napping. Gives me a hour and 45 mins to myself. Space as I call it.
Ever hurt so bad that you can't even cry? Well I do at the moment. I just wish I had someone to hold me in there arms and just say it's going to be ok. I mean what I wouldn't give just to hear the words I LOVE YOU again. And have them truly meant. You know even though I like the dr. ok (Jack) is his name seems more proper to use his name. One he'd never have no interest in me as one I am his patient. And two I'm fat,ugly and well mentally ill. And 3. I would hate to have another relationship or even marriage for that fact for me just to allow myself to be hurt again. 4. I do believe he is married. I can't stand the hurt no more. All I ever wanted was for Bill to love me for me. I no there is no true meaning of NORMAL. But HELL I want to be NORMAL again. I wanna to be loved to know I mean something to somebody. Except I feel used and well thrown to the curb like garbage. I want to be pretty like I once was.
You know the only thing I ever did right was having my kids. Everything else I regret. I knew they said love hurts. I am not even sure it's love. I think it's more the depression. I mean I am pretty much a single mother now just living with the other half. Who really does nothing at ALL.
I mean I use to have dreams. One I always wanted to be a singer. Yes I know a singer. Never going to happen. And a midwife or ob/gyn those were my career dreams. My other one was learning to ride a motorcycle and owning a log cabin home. So not going to happen either. I mean I really don't do nothing right.
And never finished school dropped out of 10 th and moved away from home. I mean really how many fat women ride bikes. The only thing I got going for me are my breast lmao. At least when a man does look at me they talk to the breast instead of my face I know I got a little of something they like. I mean men don't like fat women. None I know of at least. Sorry women this is just how I feel. Please don't take it personally to you if anyone reads this. Well Jason is awake and he is saying it's play time so time to wind this down and go play with baby. At least I had time to get this out.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Lost in Life
I never thought or saw myself keeping a online diary (blog). But I'm hoping that by writing down my thoughts and experiences dealing with depression might beable to help others know that they are not alone. That there feelings of lonliness,emptiness,darkness,paranoia,feeling of worthlessness,not belonging, along with the many other feelings we all feel. And in hopes it helps me by getting it out in the open since I really have no one else to tell not even hubby. And the one person I can tell who listens and truly understands is my family Dr. Oh is he a sweetheart. Ok really more then a sweetheart but what can I say. I actually trust him!.. I have major trust issues but with him I honestly can connect to him. As you can figure out he is the other man I mentioned in the first blog. (blushing now) Of course if he was to read this well then he probably would never see me as his patient again. Last I knew he was married though. And a man of his stature wouldn't want to be with a mentally ill crazy women who weighs nearly 300 pds. Yes I do think VERY and SPEAK very HIGHLY of the DR. So when most people say they don't like going to the dr.s I truly do. Even if it's bad. He is always supportive to me. And is always there not like my hubby. If that's what you call him. But for the last few months I have been having some MAJOR issues with hubby. And after careful thought I am going to call a divorce lawyer. He seriously thinks that I won't... But I really don't know if I love him. I do EVERYTHING when it comes to him. Even outside people who don't even know us has realized that. As I write this we are going at it. He complains when he has to cook dinner. I mean we have been homeless for a while now. And we wouldn't of been housed for as long as we have if it wasn't for me!.. I don't know how much more I can give and do. And I can't just say NO I won't do them. I have 5 kids to raise and think about. There the reasons I do ALL I do do. I mean there my love,my life,my passion. The reasons I keep going and haven't went thru with suicide. I mean in all honesty I do think about it time to time. And have actually tried it 2 in the younger years. There the reasons I don't go back to drinking and drugs. I mean if I did that what kind of example would I be setting for my kids? What kind of parent and mother would I be? Not a very good one. I always promised myself that I was going to be a better mother then the one I had. And believe me she wasn't very good. I mean she only walked out on me when I was 8 years old knowing my father was sexually abusing me. And never looked back. Anyways I will post this for now and write more later. Have a very sleepy baby.
Lost in Life (con't)
Well today has been a long day!... But seem to have gone by very fast. Today we were running so late. Got up early but decided to dye my hair like at the last min. Had to wash them greys away. But like my Dr. says greys build character. HaHa lol I say they look good on him. NOT ME. Then got kids up and ready for school. They were a tad bit late. Then well I had a meeting for 3 hours and rescheduled that to next week. It was for section 8. Just so I could go to my pysch appt. Then found out they rescheduled that. Well rescheduling the sec 8 didn't make hubby to happy. But you know what I didn't care!.. I have to have some piece of mind some where.
Well it's so official I am no longer HOMELESS. Today I officially signed the papers to move in on Wednesday of this week. And hubby so thinks he's coming with me NOT!... I mean finding a home don't change how I feel about him. Move in with me so I do everything. I am so sick of the stress. I want to know what being happy is and all about. I know as long as I suffer from depression I never will know the true meaning of being happy. And really what true love is. I know writing this blog is driving hubby crazy he keeps asking me who am I writing to. Wouldn't he so like to know. Just like after the dr.s appt he asked me what the dr. said. Like I told him none of his business. I mean all we ever do is live the life of a married couple. We are truly not married and he truly isn't happy. All he ever tells me is I never do nothing right. I know I don't!...Hard to love someone when they don't appreciate the things I do do. Or even knowledge the things I do. Well I think I wrote enough for tonight. And with hubby I am not allowed privacy as he is trying to watch everything I write.
Well it's so official I am no longer HOMELESS. Today I officially signed the papers to move in on Wednesday of this week. And hubby so thinks he's coming with me NOT!... I mean finding a home don't change how I feel about him. Move in with me so I do everything. I am so sick of the stress. I want to know what being happy is and all about. I know as long as I suffer from depression I never will know the true meaning of being happy. And really what true love is. I know writing this blog is driving hubby crazy he keeps asking me who am I writing to. Wouldn't he so like to know. Just like after the dr.s appt he asked me what the dr. said. Like I told him none of his business. I mean all we ever do is live the life of a married couple. We are truly not married and he truly isn't happy. All he ever tells me is I never do nothing right. I know I don't!...Hard to love someone when they don't appreciate the things I do do. Or even knowledge the things I do. Well I think I wrote enough for tonight. And with hubby I am not allowed privacy as he is trying to watch everything I write.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
A little about me.
My name is Soulsearcher I live in Maine. I am 35 years old. I am a wife of 14 1/2 years and a mother of 5 wonderful kids. I currently suffer from severe depression, and a learning disability. Which I have been dealing with from my youth,teenage years, now into my adulthood. On top of the depression I am currently struggling with being homeless as well. And along with those issues as well hubby and I are struggling to keep our marriage together.
I am to the point of no return with him. I know stress plays a major roll in a marriage. But I am literally falling out of love with him. And in love with another man. And when I tell him he just acts as if he don't care. He actually says he don't!.. He has never been a touchy feely kind of guy. But it has been much more then we have now. He never says he loves me. He never touches me. And sex is out of the question. And I say SEX loosely cause that's all it is to him. It's not making love.
I mean 5 kids later I have gained weight. But he tells me that my weight doesn't matter. But I don't believe him. I have a trust issue with him. (Well with everyone) But the weight I have tried to lose and have a hard time as I have hypothyroidism. So that don't help to make it easy as well.
I think he only stays cause of the kids. But there are a few people that no all to well I can take care of them disabled or not. He honestly thinks that depression means I am crazy and honestly thinks I belong in a mental hospital. Sure I have more bad days then good ones. And he has a tendacy to say TAKE YOUR MEDICINE!... What he and many others don't realize is medicine don't take the pain away,the loneliness,the empty feeling, the darkness away.
When I cry and hurt ALL I want is for him to come and hold me in his arms and say baby I love you. WE will get thru this. But he don't!... Tonight I told him I wanted him to leave. That I didn't know if I loved him anymore. And he said he didn't care. Well I am going to wind this down for tonight as baby is still awake and fighting sleep. Will write more tomorrow at some point.
I am to the point of no return with him. I know stress plays a major roll in a marriage. But I am literally falling out of love with him. And in love with another man. And when I tell him he just acts as if he don't care. He actually says he don't!.. He has never been a touchy feely kind of guy. But it has been much more then we have now. He never says he loves me. He never touches me. And sex is out of the question. And I say SEX loosely cause that's all it is to him. It's not making love.
I mean 5 kids later I have gained weight. But he tells me that my weight doesn't matter. But I don't believe him. I have a trust issue with him. (Well with everyone) But the weight I have tried to lose and have a hard time as I have hypothyroidism. So that don't help to make it easy as well.
I think he only stays cause of the kids. But there are a few people that no all to well I can take care of them disabled or not. He honestly thinks that depression means I am crazy and honestly thinks I belong in a mental hospital. Sure I have more bad days then good ones. And he has a tendacy to say TAKE YOUR MEDICINE!... What he and many others don't realize is medicine don't take the pain away,the loneliness,the empty feeling, the darkness away.
When I cry and hurt ALL I want is for him to come and hold me in his arms and say baby I love you. WE will get thru this. But he don't!... Tonight I told him I wanted him to leave. That I didn't know if I loved him anymore. And he said he didn't care. Well I am going to wind this down for tonight as baby is still awake and fighting sleep. Will write more tomorrow at some point.
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