Lost in Life

I never thought or saw myself keeping a online diary (blog). But I'm hoping that by writing down my thoughts and experiences dealing with depression might beable to help others know that they are not alone. That there feelings of lonliness,emptiness,darkness,paranoia,feeling of worthlessness,not belonging, along with the many other feelings we all feel. And in hopes it helps me by getting it out in the open since I really have no one else to tell not even hubby. And the one person I can tell who listens and truly understands is my family Dr. Oh is he a sweetheart. Ok really more then a sweetheart but what can I say. I actually trust him!.. I have major trust issues but with him I honestly can connect to him. As you can figure out he is the other man I mentioned in the first blog. (blushing now) Of course if he was to read this well then he probably would never see me as his patient again. Last I knew he was married though. And a man of his stature wouldn't want to be with a mentally ill crazy women who weighs nearly 300 pds. Yes I do think VERY and SPEAK very HIGHLY of the DR. So when most people say they don't like going to the dr.s I truly do. Even if it's bad. He is always supportive to me. And is always there not like my hubby. If that's what you call him. But for the last few months I have been having some MAJOR issues with hubby. And after careful thought I am going to call a divorce lawyer. He seriously thinks that I won't... But I really don't know if I love him. I do EVERYTHING when it comes to him. Even outside people who don't even know us has realized that. As I write this we are going at it. He complains when he has to cook dinner. I mean we have been homeless for a while now. And we wouldn't of been housed for as long as we have if it wasn't for me!.. I don't know how much more I can give and do. And I can't just say NO I won't do them. I have 5 kids to raise and think about. There the reasons I do ALL I do do. I mean there my love,my life,my passion. The reasons I keep going and haven't went thru with suicide. I mean in all honesty I do think about it time to time. And have actually tried it 2 in the younger years. There the reasons I don't go back to drinking and drugs. I mean if I did that what kind of example would I be setting for my kids? What kind of parent and mother would I be? Not a very good one. I always promised myself that I was going to be a better mother then the one I had. And believe me she wasn't very good. I mean she only walked out on me when I was 8 years old knowing my father was sexually abusing me. And never looked back. Anyways I will post this for now and write more later. Have a very sleepy baby.