Why do I care?

Ok this whole journal thing is suppose to be someplace to tell how you feel. So why do I care what others think about my last posting. No not like anyone has said anything about it. Shouldn't care even if they did right? I mean there my feelings.

Guess maybe I should explain. I'm the really the only one who cares about them. I realize I'm married but I can't help it. Not married for much longer though. I called a divorce lawyer and it's scheduled to get the detainers and everything up in running on Fri at 12 pm. Bill just left to get the kids from school. Jason is napping. Gives me a hour and 45 mins to myself. Space as I call it.

Ever hurt so bad that you can't even cry? Well I do at the moment. I just wish I had someone to hold me in there arms and just say it's going to be ok. I mean what I wouldn't give just to hear the words I LOVE YOU again. And have them truly meant. You know even though I like the dr. ok (Jack) is his name seems more proper to use his name. One he'd never have no interest in me as one I am his patient. And two I'm fat,ugly and well mentally ill. And 3. I would hate to have another relationship or even marriage for that fact for me just to allow myself to be hurt again. 4. I do believe he is married. I can't stand the hurt no more. All I ever wanted was for Bill to love me for me. I no there is no true meaning of NORMAL. But HELL I want to be NORMAL again. I wanna to be loved to know I mean something to somebody. Except I feel used and well thrown to the curb like garbage. I want to be pretty like I once was.
You know the only thing I ever did right was having my kids. Everything else I regret. I knew they said love hurts. I am not even sure it's love. I think it's more the depression. I mean I am pretty much a single mother now just living with the other half. Who really does nothing at ALL.

I mean I use to have dreams. One I always wanted to be a singer. Yes I know a singer. Never going to happen. And a midwife or ob/gyn those were my career dreams. My other one was learning to ride a motorcycle and owning a log cabin home. So not going to happen either. I mean I really don't do nothing right.
And never finished school dropped out of 10 th and moved away from home. I mean really how many fat women ride bikes. The only thing I got going for me are my breast lmao. At least when a man does look at me they talk to the breast instead of my face I know I got a little of something they like. I mean men don't like fat women. None I know of at least. Sorry women this is just how I feel. Please don't take it personally to you if anyone reads this. Well Jason is awake and he is saying it's play time so time to wind this down and go play with baby. At least I had time to get this out.