What is Happiness

I often wonder and lay awake at night,day dream and just wonder what it would be like to be HAPPY again. I can't remember when I was ever happy.

Ok maybe I can. The day my beautiful children were born. But a friend said it perfect when she wrote in her blog and I quote.

"but I can't reach the light. I feel like I'm running through fog." Well I have to say I feel the same way. I have been so caught up in my own pain I have forgotten about her own pain. And I am sorry for that. We went from chatting everyday and helping each other thru our struggles to being invisible.

So many questions. I often wonder why god put me here. I have no friends I have become from feeling like a women to feeling like a WHALE. I went to the dr.s today for some tests, and to find out what was causing the overextend witch. 4 weeks and 2nd time it's happen and they have no clue as to why. The extra hormones aren't working. The therapy with the ibuprofen isn't working either. Upon further exam they do know its comming from the utereus but that's it.

300 pd mark with weight was reached. 1 oz off of the mark. I keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And thats even trying to eat less. The weight issues is killing me inside.

I often wonder and ponder and question why I was put on earth. I don't make a good friend,wife,mother, daughter. I mean truly what makes a good friend/best friend? Something I truly never really had. I always thought a best friend was only one. Who knows.

And upon all this I feel as if no one in the world understands what I am going thru or understand me!... I am depressed,lonely,severely overweight, feel unloved, not understood, not a women no more, i'm struggling with everything right now.

And the constant bickering about me nursing. I mean what the hell is up with that. It's almost like that doesn't go on anymore. I feel as if I have to stop to please others and just make them happy.

Ok I don't stop cause if I do I feel as if I would relapse back into the drugs and alcohol, And I love the bond we have. I am scared that if I quit nursing I will lose that with my son. He's the one who helps me keep going. And all this fuss cause medication is the only thing they think will help. So to get meds I have to quit nursing. Either way I feel as if I am in a no win situation.

I am hurting inside and even the people who I know are suppose to be there to support me I feel as if there not. I feel as if I am a lost cause. Someone who is just lost in life no where to run,no one to turn to. Where do I go to from here?

I know everyone tries to avoid me,the dr.,my kids,my husband ( If that's what you can call him) I mean he is suppose to be the one I can turn to right? Not he don't understand either. And if he does then he just don't care. I saw on t.v. the other night. Some one mentioned something about blogging and that it's for losers. Well hell I know i'm a loser. But I do know some people who blog and they are far from losers. So I guess it only pretains to a vast number of people. Me being one of them. I know I really don't even know why I blog. If anyone does read these they probably think omg shes a total loser and really crazy. Just so everyone knows I am!..

My hearts breaking and being torn apart!...

This just goes to show the example of how my day is going. Spent the last hour writing just for me to lose everything when my internet goes down.

So know I am back at the beginning. Except now I am getting more fustrated cause the girls woke Jason up and they keep running in and out.

I am not even sure now how to really start this except to say my heart is breaking. I feel as if I have to choose between my son and husband. And I won't do it. I will always choose my son.

Bill and Justin got into a arguement today at dinner time. Not even sure what it was all about now. Not even sure I knew what it was about then either. But.... Bill said something and Justin said thats why he don't eat in the living room for. Bill assumed he said that Bill was the reason
he didn't eat in the living room. Not sure exactly what was said. All I knew was the next min
Bill was throwing his dinner at Justin. Thank goodness it was only a snack wrap. Any how at that point Bill goes I can't stand Justin and he didn't want to be around him no more. I said I will not choose between the two. That that was fine he would have to leave. So he grabbed his meds, and some clothes and left. Fine I told him don't come back til he grows up. I mean if that's truly what Justin said I can't say I blame him. I mean Bill is always saying nasty shit to Justin. And to be honest I have truly had it. I am so sick of them to fighting.

I will not choose between the two. Sure Justin in I have arguements,disagreements and exchange words but I will always love him. Bill don't ever seem to want to be a father to him and I am down right sick of it.

I am sick of Bill at this point any how. Bill did end up leaving. But then returned a hour later. At which point I came upstairs to the bedroom. I mean I have a recliner rocker,king size bed,t.v., and Jason's crib in here. Everything I pretty much need. Except for a phone. And I will be getting one of those tomorrow for my room. I am just so sick of my life right now.

My heart is just breaking. I hate seeing them 2 fight. Justin keeps coming in and I keep asking him to go talk to Bill and he says no. Can't say I blame him. To be totally honest. I just wish Bill would leave and not come back for a while. I want either a seperation or a divorce.

My heart can't take no more. I mean the last few days as far as myself goes Bill seems to becoming a little controlling. I mean if I want to wear a certain coat he goes why you wearing that one. And another thing we went to wal mart tonight and saw a pretty pair of jeans marked from 21 dollars to 7 dollars. He said go try them on. I said NO. Well he insisted so to shut him up I did. And they made me look fatter. And ALL I wanted to do was cry. Especially when Tiffany said oh momma they look pretty on you. Then I come out and the lady said if your not getting them I can take them. So I gave them to her. He said your not getting them I said no. He was like why not. I said cause they make me look fatter. Then he goes well whatever.

Guess what he don't understand. Being fat makes me feel like I am not a women. Not only that but he makes me feel that way too. I am hurting inside, I feel lonely, and dark inside. he never makes love to me, Never holds me when I cry. All I wanna do is feel like a women again.

What I wouldn't give to be 135 pds again. Sometimes I think a one night stand would help. But I know it won't. I mean what man likes a fat lady. Not any I know. A depressed ugly one at that.
I mean I have nothing going for me. My hearts broke, I am to the point I can't stand my husband. I am not even sure I love him the way I should. I know not everything that goes on between him and I is his fault. I am more to blame then he is.

But I mean months ago I took my rings off to make a point. And told him that until things change I wouldn't put mine back on. So what did he do. He took his off one day and pawned his for a lousy 21.00 dollars. And then failed to return to get it. I mean come on. And when I asked him what his point of all this was for. He says to make me mad. What he failed to think about is that it wouldn't make me mad. It hurt me. At that point it made me reevaluate our marriage. And to this day he still con't not to wear one.

At that point it made me really get to thinking that our marriage didn't truly mean anything to him. I think we need a break. Sometimes I wonder where all the good men have gone. I know a really good one I would like to have. But know it will never happen. So I will con't to live that as a dream. Like all my other dreams and goals I set up for myself. Just to watch myself fail at them to. Like I have at raising my kids and my marriage.

And I am such a BITCH that I don't have no friends. Men or women. I don't really with women cause I have a hard time trusting them. Had to many that I trusted even if they were at that point Bills friends. And they turned out to trying to pick him up. But I know that a big part of that was Bills fault too. Cause he can always seem to joke,and sexually wise crack with them. As to with me he turns away when I try to with him. So yes I am jealous. And I know he thinks that cause I am depressed,fat and ugly that no man will ever give me a time a day.

Something else with him that bothers me too. He knows my weight is a HUGE issue with me. So whats he do he rubs in yesterday that he lost 6 1/2 pds. So today we go to rite aid. Well I was in there so long waiting to get his dam meds. He steps on the blood pressure monitor platform And then he goes oh this don't weigh you too. I was so fucking pissed at that point. I got the feeling he was trying to rub it in.

I mean it seems that I can practically starve myself and still can't lose the weight. But he is losing it left and right.

Any ways to end this I am depressed,heart broken, don't know who or where to turn to. And I desperately want to feel like a women again. Even if it was just for a night!... Just to know what I guess you could say sex is like again, to be a women, to feel as if my weight just don't matter for a night. But I know it will never happen. My husband can't view me that way. And the one I would like I know will never ever give me a time of day. Well I guess I am just blabbing now and no I am not a whore by no means. Just want to feel loved again amongst other things. Guess I am feeling sorry for myself. Hurting inside desperately.



Steph if you read this now maybe you will understand as to why I am so jealous of you. :)