A little about me.

My name is Soulsearcher I live in Maine. I am 35 years old. I am a wife of 14 1/2 years and a mother of 5 wonderful kids. I currently suffer from severe depression, and a learning disability. Which I have been dealing with from my youth,teenage years, now into my adulthood. On top of the depression I am currently struggling with being homeless as well. And along with those issues as well hubby and I are struggling to keep our marriage together.

I am to the point of no return with him. I know stress plays a major roll in a marriage. But I am literally falling out of love with him. And in love with another man. And when I tell him he just acts as if he don't care. He actually says he don't!.. He has never been a touchy feely kind of guy. But it has been much more then we have now. He never says he loves me. He never touches me. And sex is out of the question. And I say SEX loosely cause that's all it is to him. It's not making love.

I mean 5 kids later I have gained weight. But he tells me that my weight doesn't matter. But I don't believe him. I have a trust issue with him. (Well with everyone) But the weight I have tried to lose and have a hard time as I have hypothyroidism. So that don't help to make it easy as well.

I think he only stays cause of the kids. But there are a few people that no all to well I can take care of them disabled or not. He honestly thinks that depression means I am crazy and honestly thinks I belong in a mental hospital. Sure I have more bad days then good ones. And he has a tendacy to say TAKE YOUR MEDICINE!... What he and many others don't realize is medicine don't take the pain away,the loneliness,the empty feeling, the darkness away.

When I cry and hurt ALL I want is for him to come and hold me in his arms and say baby I love you. WE will get thru this. But he don't!... Tonight I told him I wanted him to leave. That I didn't know if I loved him anymore. And he said he didn't care. Well I am going to wind this down for tonight as baby is still awake and fighting sleep. Will write more tomorrow at some point.