I often wonder and lay awake at night,day dream and just wonder what it would be like to be HAPPY again. I can't remember when I was ever happy.
Ok maybe I can. The day my beautiful children were born. But a friend said it perfect when she wrote in her blog and I quote.
"but I can't reach the light. I feel like I'm running through fog." Well I have to say I feel the same way. I have been so caught up in my own pain I have forgotten about her own pain. And I am sorry for that. We went from chatting everyday and helping each other thru our struggles to being invisible.
So many questions. I often wonder why god put me here. I have no friends I have become from feeling like a women to feeling like a WHALE. I went to the dr.s today for some tests, and to find out what was causing the overextend witch. 4 weeks and 2nd time it's happen and they have no clue as to why. The extra hormones aren't working. The therapy with the ibuprofen isn't working either. Upon further exam they do know its comming from the utereus but that's it.
300 pd mark with weight was reached. 1 oz off of the mark. I keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And thats even trying to eat less. The weight issues is killing me inside.
I often wonder and ponder and question why I was put on earth. I don't make a good friend,wife,mother, daughter. I mean truly what makes a good friend/best friend? Something I truly never really had. I always thought a best friend was only one. Who knows.
And upon all this I feel as if no one in the world understands what I am going thru or understand me!... I am depressed,lonely,severely overweight, feel unloved, not understood, not a women no more, i'm struggling with everything right now.
And the constant bickering about me nursing. I mean what the hell is up with that. It's almost like that doesn't go on anymore. I feel as if I have to stop to please others and just make them happy.
Ok I don't stop cause if I do I feel as if I would relapse back into the drugs and alcohol, And I love the bond we have. I am scared that if I quit nursing I will lose that with my son. He's the one who helps me keep going. And all this fuss cause medication is the only thing they think will help. So to get meds I have to quit nursing. Either way I feel as if I am in a no win situation.
I am hurting inside and even the people who I know are suppose to be there to support me I feel as if there not. I feel as if I am a lost cause. Someone who is just lost in life no where to run,no one to turn to. Where do I go to from here?
I know everyone tries to avoid me,the dr.,my kids,my husband ( If that's what you can call him) I mean he is suppose to be the one I can turn to right? Not he don't understand either. And if he does then he just don't care. I saw on t.v. the other night. Some one mentioned something about blogging and that it's for losers. Well hell I know i'm a loser. But I do know some people who blog and they are far from losers. So I guess it only pretains to a vast number of people. Me being one of them. I know I really don't even know why I blog. If anyone does read these they probably think omg shes a total loser and really crazy. Just so everyone knows I am!..
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Friday, February 2, 2007
My hearts breaking and being torn apart!...
This just goes to show the example of how my day is going. Spent the last hour writing just for me to lose everything when my internet goes down.
So know I am back at the beginning. Except now I am getting more fustrated cause the girls woke Jason up and they keep running in and out.
I am not even sure now how to really start this except to say my heart is breaking. I feel as if I have to choose between my son and husband. And I won't do it. I will always choose my son.
Bill and Justin got into a arguement today at dinner time. Not even sure what it was all about now. Not even sure I knew what it was about then either. But.... Bill said something and Justin said thats why he don't eat in the living room for. Bill assumed he said that Bill was the reason
he didn't eat in the living room. Not sure exactly what was said. All I knew was the next min
Bill was throwing his dinner at Justin. Thank goodness it was only a snack wrap. Any how at that point Bill goes I can't stand Justin and he didn't want to be around him no more. I said I will not choose between the two. That that was fine he would have to leave. So he grabbed his meds, and some clothes and left. Fine I told him don't come back til he grows up. I mean if that's truly what Justin said I can't say I blame him. I mean Bill is always saying nasty shit to Justin. And to be honest I have truly had it. I am so sick of them to fighting.
I will not choose between the two. Sure Justin in I have arguements,disagreements and exchange words but I will always love him. Bill don't ever seem to want to be a father to him and I am down right sick of it.
I am sick of Bill at this point any how. Bill did end up leaving. But then returned a hour later. At which point I came upstairs to the bedroom. I mean I have a recliner rocker,king size bed,t.v., and Jason's crib in here. Everything I pretty much need. Except for a phone. And I will be getting one of those tomorrow for my room. I am just so sick of my life right now.
My heart is just breaking. I hate seeing them 2 fight. Justin keeps coming in and I keep asking him to go talk to Bill and he says no. Can't say I blame him. To be totally honest. I just wish Bill would leave and not come back for a while. I want either a seperation or a divorce.
My heart can't take no more. I mean the last few days as far as myself goes Bill seems to becoming a little controlling. I mean if I want to wear a certain coat he goes why you wearing that one. And another thing we went to wal mart tonight and saw a pretty pair of jeans marked from 21 dollars to 7 dollars. He said go try them on. I said NO. Well he insisted so to shut him up I did. And they made me look fatter. And ALL I wanted to do was cry. Especially when Tiffany said oh momma they look pretty on you. Then I come out and the lady said if your not getting them I can take them. So I gave them to her. He said your not getting them I said no. He was like why not. I said cause they make me look fatter. Then he goes well whatever.
Guess what he don't understand. Being fat makes me feel like I am not a women. Not only that but he makes me feel that way too. I am hurting inside, I feel lonely, and dark inside. he never makes love to me, Never holds me when I cry. All I wanna do is feel like a women again.
What I wouldn't give to be 135 pds again. Sometimes I think a one night stand would help. But I know it won't. I mean what man likes a fat lady. Not any I know. A depressed ugly one at that.
I mean I have nothing going for me. My hearts broke, I am to the point I can't stand my husband. I am not even sure I love him the way I should. I know not everything that goes on between him and I is his fault. I am more to blame then he is.
But I mean months ago I took my rings off to make a point. And told him that until things change I wouldn't put mine back on. So what did he do. He took his off one day and pawned his for a lousy 21.00 dollars. And then failed to return to get it. I mean come on. And when I asked him what his point of all this was for. He says to make me mad. What he failed to think about is that it wouldn't make me mad. It hurt me. At that point it made me reevaluate our marriage. And to this day he still con't not to wear one.
At that point it made me really get to thinking that our marriage didn't truly mean anything to him. I think we need a break. Sometimes I wonder where all the good men have gone. I know a really good one I would like to have. But know it will never happen. So I will con't to live that as a dream. Like all my other dreams and goals I set up for myself. Just to watch myself fail at them to. Like I have at raising my kids and my marriage.
And I am such a BITCH that I don't have no friends. Men or women. I don't really with women cause I have a hard time trusting them. Had to many that I trusted even if they were at that point Bills friends. And they turned out to trying to pick him up. But I know that a big part of that was Bills fault too. Cause he can always seem to joke,and sexually wise crack with them. As to with me he turns away when I try to with him. So yes I am jealous. And I know he thinks that cause I am depressed,fat and ugly that no man will ever give me a time a day.
Something else with him that bothers me too. He knows my weight is a HUGE issue with me. So whats he do he rubs in yesterday that he lost 6 1/2 pds. So today we go to rite aid. Well I was in there so long waiting to get his dam meds. He steps on the blood pressure monitor platform And then he goes oh this don't weigh you too. I was so fucking pissed at that point. I got the feeling he was trying to rub it in.
I mean it seems that I can practically starve myself and still can't lose the weight. But he is losing it left and right.
Any ways to end this I am depressed,heart broken, don't know who or where to turn to. And I desperately want to feel like a women again. Even if it was just for a night!... Just to know what I guess you could say sex is like again, to be a women, to feel as if my weight just don't matter for a night. But I know it will never happen. My husband can't view me that way. And the one I would like I know will never ever give me a time of day. Well I guess I am just blabbing now and no I am not a whore by no means. Just want to feel loved again amongst other things. Guess I am feeling sorry for myself. Hurting inside desperately.
Steph if you read this now maybe you will understand as to why I am so jealous of you. :)
So know I am back at the beginning. Except now I am getting more fustrated cause the girls woke Jason up and they keep running in and out.
I am not even sure now how to really start this except to say my heart is breaking. I feel as if I have to choose between my son and husband. And I won't do it. I will always choose my son.
Bill and Justin got into a arguement today at dinner time. Not even sure what it was all about now. Not even sure I knew what it was about then either. But.... Bill said something and Justin said thats why he don't eat in the living room for. Bill assumed he said that Bill was the reason
he didn't eat in the living room. Not sure exactly what was said. All I knew was the next min
Bill was throwing his dinner at Justin. Thank goodness it was only a snack wrap. Any how at that point Bill goes I can't stand Justin and he didn't want to be around him no more. I said I will not choose between the two. That that was fine he would have to leave. So he grabbed his meds, and some clothes and left. Fine I told him don't come back til he grows up. I mean if that's truly what Justin said I can't say I blame him. I mean Bill is always saying nasty shit to Justin. And to be honest I have truly had it. I am so sick of them to fighting.
I will not choose between the two. Sure Justin in I have arguements,disagreements and exchange words but I will always love him. Bill don't ever seem to want to be a father to him and I am down right sick of it.
I am sick of Bill at this point any how. Bill did end up leaving. But then returned a hour later. At which point I came upstairs to the bedroom. I mean I have a recliner rocker,king size bed,t.v., and Jason's crib in here. Everything I pretty much need. Except for a phone. And I will be getting one of those tomorrow for my room. I am just so sick of my life right now.
My heart is just breaking. I hate seeing them 2 fight. Justin keeps coming in and I keep asking him to go talk to Bill and he says no. Can't say I blame him. To be totally honest. I just wish Bill would leave and not come back for a while. I want either a seperation or a divorce.
My heart can't take no more. I mean the last few days as far as myself goes Bill seems to becoming a little controlling. I mean if I want to wear a certain coat he goes why you wearing that one. And another thing we went to wal mart tonight and saw a pretty pair of jeans marked from 21 dollars to 7 dollars. He said go try them on. I said NO. Well he insisted so to shut him up I did. And they made me look fatter. And ALL I wanted to do was cry. Especially when Tiffany said oh momma they look pretty on you. Then I come out and the lady said if your not getting them I can take them. So I gave them to her. He said your not getting them I said no. He was like why not. I said cause they make me look fatter. Then he goes well whatever.
Guess what he don't understand. Being fat makes me feel like I am not a women. Not only that but he makes me feel that way too. I am hurting inside, I feel lonely, and dark inside. he never makes love to me, Never holds me when I cry. All I wanna do is feel like a women again.
What I wouldn't give to be 135 pds again. Sometimes I think a one night stand would help. But I know it won't. I mean what man likes a fat lady. Not any I know. A depressed ugly one at that.
I mean I have nothing going for me. My hearts broke, I am to the point I can't stand my husband. I am not even sure I love him the way I should. I know not everything that goes on between him and I is his fault. I am more to blame then he is.
But I mean months ago I took my rings off to make a point. And told him that until things change I wouldn't put mine back on. So what did he do. He took his off one day and pawned his for a lousy 21.00 dollars. And then failed to return to get it. I mean come on. And when I asked him what his point of all this was for. He says to make me mad. What he failed to think about is that it wouldn't make me mad. It hurt me. At that point it made me reevaluate our marriage. And to this day he still con't not to wear one.
At that point it made me really get to thinking that our marriage didn't truly mean anything to him. I think we need a break. Sometimes I wonder where all the good men have gone. I know a really good one I would like to have. But know it will never happen. So I will con't to live that as a dream. Like all my other dreams and goals I set up for myself. Just to watch myself fail at them to. Like I have at raising my kids and my marriage.
And I am such a BITCH that I don't have no friends. Men or women. I don't really with women cause I have a hard time trusting them. Had to many that I trusted even if they were at that point Bills friends. And they turned out to trying to pick him up. But I know that a big part of that was Bills fault too. Cause he can always seem to joke,and sexually wise crack with them. As to with me he turns away when I try to with him. So yes I am jealous. And I know he thinks that cause I am depressed,fat and ugly that no man will ever give me a time a day.
Something else with him that bothers me too. He knows my weight is a HUGE issue with me. So whats he do he rubs in yesterday that he lost 6 1/2 pds. So today we go to rite aid. Well I was in there so long waiting to get his dam meds. He steps on the blood pressure monitor platform And then he goes oh this don't weigh you too. I was so fucking pissed at that point. I got the feeling he was trying to rub it in.
I mean it seems that I can practically starve myself and still can't lose the weight. But he is losing it left and right.
Any ways to end this I am depressed,heart broken, don't know who or where to turn to. And I desperately want to feel like a women again. Even if it was just for a night!... Just to know what I guess you could say sex is like again, to be a women, to feel as if my weight just don't matter for a night. But I know it will never happen. My husband can't view me that way. And the one I would like I know will never ever give me a time of day. Well I guess I am just blabbing now and no I am not a whore by no means. Just want to feel loved again amongst other things. Guess I am feeling sorry for myself. Hurting inside desperately.
Steph if you read this now maybe you will understand as to why I am so jealous of you. :)
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Goals I set up for myself.
Well I wanted to share with everyone some goals I have set up for myself. I have put some very deep thought into these goals. I hope you all will follow me thru these goals,support me, cheer me on and be here to watch me accomplish them.
Here are a list of goals I set up for myself.
1. Join a gym,exercise.
2. Lose weight. (At least 20 pds by March 1st)
3. Get drivers license
4. Get my depression under control
5. Become a better Mom
6. Improve my looks this will be by ( getting perm,and contacts)
7. Start a diet
Those are the ones I have set for myself. To me they are far fetched and out of reach. But I am willing to do this. Not for Bill for me!.. Only I know these goals except who I am sharing them with. Which is whoever reads this. Well I am off for the night. Happy reading. Hope I don't bore you like I do myself and Bill.
Here are a list of goals I set up for myself.
1. Join a gym,exercise.
2. Lose weight. (At least 20 pds by March 1st)
3. Get drivers license
4. Get my depression under control
5. Become a better Mom
6. Improve my looks this will be by ( getting perm,and contacts)
7. Start a diet
Those are the ones I have set for myself. To me they are far fetched and out of reach. But I am willing to do this. Not for Bill for me!.. Only I know these goals except who I am sharing them with. Which is whoever reads this. Well I am off for the night. Happy reading. Hope I don't bore you like I do myself and Bill.
So many unanswered questions, and confused feelings.
Well here I am after almost 3 months. Things are truly good with the sense now of having a house. So much space. I decided to come back
to blogging cause I feel it's the only true place I can express how I feel.
And not be put down for how I feel.
I am not even sure where I should start. I got so much I need to get out in the open. Ranging from my goals I am setting up for myself, From Bill and the kids.
I guess I can start with Bill. But be prepared to anyone who reads this, this could turn out to be long. Bill and I are on a roller coaster. Now that we have moved in to the new house he truly refuses to work. Even more now since I got my section 8 voucher. And I say me cause it's in my name only. He does the majority of the housework, laundry etc around here. I have no energy to do it nor desire. But he does seem to sleep ALOT. Even on the nights he sleeps he still naps. Which yes pisses me off. Cause there are nights Jason does not sleep and I need/or want to lay down. But I can't cause either he wants to or I have to take Jason with me. Now don't get me wrong I don't mind that but he is so use to napping downstairs then when taking him and placing him in his crib it throws him off and then he don't want to nap so I can't. But that is the only way I get one. I have to take him cause he can't seem to take care of him.
For instance last night Jason was up EVERY hour and I was exhausted!.. But he was the one to go lay down. And for another thing today I had therapy Jan 31. And I was in session which is suppose to be MY time. Nope we go near the end and we hear a knock on the door. To who's suprise was it Bill. Oh so sorry to interrupt but Jason was getting fussy. Well guess what that wasn't it at all. He knows that if he knocks that that will end my session and then he won't have to take care of him no more.
I have asked him to leave and told him I want a divorce. Even gone to the extent of saying I wanted to seperate. But he still refuses to leave. I am not even sure I love him any more. I mean were always together I have no space or time to myself. Like tonight I wanted to take a warm bath just 5-10 mins to myself and I told him that. He goes oh well poor baby. Did I get that time? NO I ended up giving Tiffany a bath. With him he gets time even if it's 5 mins. I don't get that time. I need a break.
I love my kids to death!... But even bedtime is no time. Michelle loves to sit in the room with me and talk and play comp. Which is truly no problem but it goes back to needing jsut a few mins to me. Ok enough about the space I am sure you all get the idea.
And Bill and not working. He actually told me I needed to go work. And when I mentioned it to my med nurse she said that it was truly a BAD idea. That I was already past my breaking point and going to work would be traumatic for me. Bill thinks that if he leaves I couldn't make it with out him. Guess what I can!... Believe it or not before I met him I had 2 babies and I was working and supporting them and myself. So if I can do it with two I can do it with 5. Sure it would be hard and times would be challenging but I can do it. I guess what I really want from Bill is for him to work,love me,support me,understand the depression, stop telling me how stupid I am. (like duh I already know how stupid I am) I don't need to be reminded. A bitch yes I am and admit that.
Ok enough about him. The other night I was reading a dear friends blog. I took offense to something she wrote. I felt bad cause I knew she wasn't directing it at me. But like she said those were her feelings. I have been pissy with her just like she said. But I was upset with her. Cause I she had not talked to me in a while and I hadn't known she went to see her hubby. And 2 cause I am jealous of her. She was like oh you have no reason to be jealous of her. Yes I do. She don't realize it though. When she writes in her blogs everything is so well put, and she speaks so highly of her husband I am jealous of htat I want that with my husband. But I am to the point I can't stand mine. And I just want mine to make love to me and hold,kiss, dance with me. Instead it seems he has nothing to do with me. He is becoming a bore. I seriously wish I was thin,and pretty and then maybe he would. If I could find the right person and we ALL know who that person is from previous blogs.
I just want to feel like a WOMEN again. I want to know that I mean something to someone.
I feel as if I screwed up a great friendship with her. And I was jealous to cause I don't have no best friends like her. Hell I really don't have no friends. Why cause I truly don't like other women. I am jealous of them.
Due to them being pretty, thin etc. Even the fat ones can look pretty and carry there weight well. Not me. Men don't like fat women. And I don't believe mine does either.
As for the kids there all doing well. Justin is giving a hard hard time out of all of them. Him and Bill fight and call names. I don't know how to stop it. Yes he's a teen but still. But Bill don't do nothing with him. Other then the PS2. He won't play football with him, when Justin wants to help him cook he gets mad at him if he does the slightest thing wrong. I just hate my life. And truly feel that Bill and I need time and space away. For both of us. But he really needs to reevaluate what is important to him and grow up. Like the other day he was like you don't do nothing no more.
Hell your right. We got a house. I am not standing on no dam corner begging for money. If you need something you go do it. He says I always tell him to well your dam right I do. Anyways as you can tell I am truly been pushed to my limits with Bill.
Well I know this is one screwed up blog but.... I warned everyone it would be. Broken pieces of my life are well put. Well I am going to finish this off and write another blog as to somethings I am doing for myself and would like to share. Hope this finds everyone well and better then me.
to blogging cause I feel it's the only true place I can express how I feel.
And not be put down for how I feel.
I am not even sure where I should start. I got so much I need to get out in the open. Ranging from my goals I am setting up for myself, From Bill and the kids.
I guess I can start with Bill. But be prepared to anyone who reads this, this could turn out to be long. Bill and I are on a roller coaster. Now that we have moved in to the new house he truly refuses to work. Even more now since I got my section 8 voucher. And I say me cause it's in my name only. He does the majority of the housework, laundry etc around here. I have no energy to do it nor desire. But he does seem to sleep ALOT. Even on the nights he sleeps he still naps. Which yes pisses me off. Cause there are nights Jason does not sleep and I need/or want to lay down. But I can't cause either he wants to or I have to take Jason with me. Now don't get me wrong I don't mind that but he is so use to napping downstairs then when taking him and placing him in his crib it throws him off and then he don't want to nap so I can't. But that is the only way I get one. I have to take him cause he can't seem to take care of him.
For instance last night Jason was up EVERY hour and I was exhausted!.. But he was the one to go lay down. And for another thing today I had therapy Jan 31. And I was in session which is suppose to be MY time. Nope we go near the end and we hear a knock on the door. To who's suprise was it Bill. Oh so sorry to interrupt but Jason was getting fussy. Well guess what that wasn't it at all. He knows that if he knocks that that will end my session and then he won't have to take care of him no more.
I have asked him to leave and told him I want a divorce. Even gone to the extent of saying I wanted to seperate. But he still refuses to leave. I am not even sure I love him any more. I mean were always together I have no space or time to myself. Like tonight I wanted to take a warm bath just 5-10 mins to myself and I told him that. He goes oh well poor baby. Did I get that time? NO I ended up giving Tiffany a bath. With him he gets time even if it's 5 mins. I don't get that time. I need a break.
I love my kids to death!... But even bedtime is no time. Michelle loves to sit in the room with me and talk and play comp. Which is truly no problem but it goes back to needing jsut a few mins to me. Ok enough about the space I am sure you all get the idea.
And Bill and not working. He actually told me I needed to go work. And when I mentioned it to my med nurse she said that it was truly a BAD idea. That I was already past my breaking point and going to work would be traumatic for me. Bill thinks that if he leaves I couldn't make it with out him. Guess what I can!... Believe it or not before I met him I had 2 babies and I was working and supporting them and myself. So if I can do it with two I can do it with 5. Sure it would be hard and times would be challenging but I can do it. I guess what I really want from Bill is for him to work,love me,support me,understand the depression, stop telling me how stupid I am. (like duh I already know how stupid I am) I don't need to be reminded. A bitch yes I am and admit that.
Ok enough about him. The other night I was reading a dear friends blog. I took offense to something she wrote. I felt bad cause I knew she wasn't directing it at me. But like she said those were her feelings. I have been pissy with her just like she said. But I was upset with her. Cause I she had not talked to me in a while and I hadn't known she went to see her hubby. And 2 cause I am jealous of her. She was like oh you have no reason to be jealous of her. Yes I do. She don't realize it though. When she writes in her blogs everything is so well put, and she speaks so highly of her husband I am jealous of htat I want that with my husband. But I am to the point I can't stand mine. And I just want mine to make love to me and hold,kiss, dance with me. Instead it seems he has nothing to do with me. He is becoming a bore. I seriously wish I was thin,and pretty and then maybe he would. If I could find the right person and we ALL know who that person is from previous blogs.
I just want to feel like a WOMEN again. I want to know that I mean something to someone.
I feel as if I screwed up a great friendship with her. And I was jealous to cause I don't have no best friends like her. Hell I really don't have no friends. Why cause I truly don't like other women. I am jealous of them.
Due to them being pretty, thin etc. Even the fat ones can look pretty and carry there weight well. Not me. Men don't like fat women. And I don't believe mine does either.
As for the kids there all doing well. Justin is giving a hard hard time out of all of them. Him and Bill fight and call names. I don't know how to stop it. Yes he's a teen but still. But Bill don't do nothing with him. Other then the PS2. He won't play football with him, when Justin wants to help him cook he gets mad at him if he does the slightest thing wrong. I just hate my life. And truly feel that Bill and I need time and space away. For both of us. But he really needs to reevaluate what is important to him and grow up. Like the other day he was like you don't do nothing no more.
Hell your right. We got a house. I am not standing on no dam corner begging for money. If you need something you go do it. He says I always tell him to well your dam right I do. Anyways as you can tell I am truly been pushed to my limits with Bill.
Well I know this is one screwed up blog but.... I warned everyone it would be. Broken pieces of my life are well put. Well I am going to finish this off and write another blog as to somethings I am doing for myself and would like to share. Hope this finds everyone well and better then me.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Moving Day
Well I did it!... Finally found a place after 4 long dreary months. I have to say I was so stressed move in day. I was so worried something would back fire. But it didn't... It sure has been one large adjustment from motel life to having this large home. But it feels good. The only thing of the motel I miss is having a real bad. Hardwood floors man are NO GOOD!.... If your just reading this then it's cause I am WAY behind on my journals due to no internet. But I will be back online soon. So glad cause I am going so crazy without it. But making due only cause I have too.
Move in night I made kids and I pizza. Then when they were all tucked away I layed on the floor in the living room and watched the fire. It was so peaceful and relaxing. Which was well needed cause it was nothing but running around that day. Not much to move in really have no furniture to move in on that day anyhow. Well if there is a gap in dates or post it's cause I went and haven't updated them all. Anyways I will always return cause this sure does help. And to my dearest closest friend though we have never meant in person but have known each other for a few years now. I sure do miss ya girl. And all the chats. I hope this little post finds you well and hanging in. Send my love overseas to Shayne and give them kids a kiss and hug for me. Love ya girl and miss ya tons. I am doing fine holding my own at the moment.
Move in night I made kids and I pizza. Then when they were all tucked away I layed on the floor in the living room and watched the fire. It was so peaceful and relaxing. Which was well needed cause it was nothing but running around that day. Not much to move in really have no furniture to move in on that day anyhow. Well if there is a gap in dates or post it's cause I went and haven't updated them all. Anyways I will always return cause this sure does help. And to my dearest closest friend though we have never meant in person but have known each other for a few years now. I sure do miss ya girl. And all the chats. I hope this little post finds you well and hanging in. Send my love overseas to Shayne and give them kids a kiss and hug for me. Love ya girl and miss ya tons. I am doing fine holding my own at the moment.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Thoughts of the morning
Well time is approaching fast. Yes still don't seem real!... Steph honey the next time you read this remember Shayne,you and the kids are in my thoughts. I will so miss you and the support, and friendship you and me have. Remember as you tell me TAKE YOUR MEDS!... Shayne will be home then cherish every moment of it you,him and the kids.
And if for some reason I don't get to chat with you before Thanksgiving you have a safe trip to Heathers and your parents. But remember to drop me a line. And please drive safe. Have Heather change subjects for you when it gets uncomfortable with your mom. Love ya girl and will miss ya. I promise to get back online soon.
I'm not the only one who thought by getting a home would make Bill and I less stressed. I mean I know now things between us will never change. Just wish I had some one to give me a hug. Crying is impossible the pain is just to much. The darkness,emptiness,lonliness,worthliness,anxiety omg I seem to always have that which makes it hard cause chest hurts almost all the time now. It never seems to end. Though he has agreed to take me to the attorney on Fri. And he did tell the kids yesterday when he picked them up from school.
I guess kinda whats so confusing to me is that when we thought we had a house and the old lady changed her mind for BIZARRE reasons and I mean truly only if you had heard her reasons. Any how he cryed yes a grown man crying I knew then he was fustrated with this whole homeless thing. And they say men don't cry. No not like he admitted it but it wasn't the first time I had seen him cry either. But it just hurts me MAJORLY he crys over a house. But don't show no emotion about the fact a 14 1/2 year marriage is ending.
Like he has told me before it's been nothing but pure HELL for him all them years. Bill I am so sorry. I truly am. I know I never did NOTHING right. I mean do men really have feelings, do they have a heart? The emotinal,feeling kind of heart.
And if for some reason I don't get to chat with you before Thanksgiving you have a safe trip to Heathers and your parents. But remember to drop me a line. And please drive safe. Have Heather change subjects for you when it gets uncomfortable with your mom. Love ya girl and will miss ya. I promise to get back online soon.
I'm not the only one who thought by getting a home would make Bill and I less stressed. I mean I know now things between us will never change. Just wish I had some one to give me a hug. Crying is impossible the pain is just to much. The darkness,emptiness,lonliness,worthliness,anxiety omg I seem to always have that which makes it hard cause chest hurts almost all the time now. It never seems to end. Though he has agreed to take me to the attorney on Fri. And he did tell the kids yesterday when he picked them up from school.
I guess kinda whats so confusing to me is that when we thought we had a house and the old lady changed her mind for BIZARRE reasons and I mean truly only if you had heard her reasons. Any how he cryed yes a grown man crying I knew then he was fustrated with this whole homeless thing. And they say men don't cry. No not like he admitted it but it wasn't the first time I had seen him cry either. But it just hurts me MAJORLY he crys over a house. But don't show no emotion about the fact a 14 1/2 year marriage is ending.
Like he has told me before it's been nothing but pure HELL for him all them years. Bill I am so sorry. I truly am. I know I never did NOTHING right. I mean do men really have feelings, do they have a heart? The emotinal,feeling kind of heart.
Moving day and NOT excited
Well again here I am in the middle of the night wide awake. Back up at 2am. Went to neopets,read emails and now here I am writing. If there's any one who is ever up or wants to chat just drop me a line any time at dayxdreamxangel@aol.com, or unlucky_2_b_me@yahoo.com.
Ok as for the unlucky email them are underscores (_) between them but can't til cause they are underlined. I know weird email addys huh? Oh well I happen to pick them as how I feel. I am unlucky and I do day dream ALOT.
Insomnia oh how it does suck. Ok well today is moving day!.. Yes... So why am I not happy. Been homeless since mid summer and I finally got a home. Could it be the fact that I had seriously thought that by calling a divorce lawyer while Bill was here was going to change anything? Yeah..Right.. Whatever!... I knew better then that. But you know what thats ok. Ok so I say that now but later it will be different. I hate the up and down roller coaster of emotions.
Kids are so excited about moving in today. I mean they get there own rooms,space,toys and a yard to play in lol. They are so excited!.. Me I'm looking forward to NOT being in this small 4 walled room. And oh my most favorite of the house is the fireplace. May not be able to have a romantic night but I will sure enjoy the piece and crackling of logs. I won't have internet but should by the end of the week! Oh yes I so live for my computer. Have to say it's my best friend. LMAO.. So maybe that's not true but you know what. Oh well.
No t.v.,no internet omg what am I going to do. I am going to be board out of my mind. I'm already crazy so I can't do that. Still got to do some packing in the room can't do that til the kids are up.
After 11 am I won't be online. I will so miss it. But I will just go to the library and get online for a hour later. *fingers crossed* LoL. But I will be glad when phone is on and dsl is hooked up.
I just hope the neighbor don't come over. She did the other night while we were there and I really don't like her. Ok I don't like no one. But that's beside the point. I do have a best friend online met a few years back never met in person but she does help me thru the tough times. Even if it is everyday. And her sister to though we rarely talk she is just always so busy. But were usually in each others thought. And well Jack he's my best friend as well. He just doesn't know it.
Well my plans for today is to get moved into the new place. And when all the kids are bathed and tucked in bed relax by the fireplace. Just me,myself and I. Guess you could say camp out in the living room. Since I do love camping it'll just be indoors. ;)
Though sitting here thinking which is ALL I ever do. The wondering mind. I probably won't beable to visit the library today. Gonna move in,get things out of storage, (so glad) and get it in and then go buy groceries. OMG yes a REAL fridge with freezer. And a stove that really works and a oven. Oh my been homeless way to long. Can't you tell? Will never EVER be homeless again. Kids are already requesting mom's famous lasagna. The one thing I know how to do is cook. I say only if moms not to tired. If so it's pizza from the oven LOL. In front of the fireplace with them at least tell I get us a kitchen table to stick in the dining room.
Ok so maybe I am getting a tad bit excited. But won't officially tell we exchange check for keys lol. It just won't same real.
Ok it's time to closeout Jason is sitting in his pack n play waiting to be put back to sleep will most likely write another entry before I break down the computer.
Ok as for the unlucky email them are underscores (_) between them but can't til cause they are underlined. I know weird email addys huh? Oh well I happen to pick them as how I feel. I am unlucky and I do day dream ALOT.
Insomnia oh how it does suck. Ok well today is moving day!.. Yes... So why am I not happy. Been homeless since mid summer and I finally got a home. Could it be the fact that I had seriously thought that by calling a divorce lawyer while Bill was here was going to change anything? Yeah..Right.. Whatever!... I knew better then that. But you know what thats ok. Ok so I say that now but later it will be different. I hate the up and down roller coaster of emotions.
Kids are so excited about moving in today. I mean they get there own rooms,space,toys and a yard to play in lol. They are so excited!.. Me I'm looking forward to NOT being in this small 4 walled room. And oh my most favorite of the house is the fireplace. May not be able to have a romantic night but I will sure enjoy the piece and crackling of logs. I won't have internet but should by the end of the week! Oh yes I so live for my computer. Have to say it's my best friend. LMAO.. So maybe that's not true but you know what. Oh well.
No t.v.,no internet omg what am I going to do. I am going to be board out of my mind. I'm already crazy so I can't do that. Still got to do some packing in the room can't do that til the kids are up.
After 11 am I won't be online. I will so miss it. But I will just go to the library and get online for a hour later. *fingers crossed* LoL. But I will be glad when phone is on and dsl is hooked up.
I just hope the neighbor don't come over. She did the other night while we were there and I really don't like her. Ok I don't like no one. But that's beside the point. I do have a best friend online met a few years back never met in person but she does help me thru the tough times. Even if it is everyday. And her sister to though we rarely talk she is just always so busy. But were usually in each others thought. And well Jack he's my best friend as well. He just doesn't know it.
Well my plans for today is to get moved into the new place. And when all the kids are bathed and tucked in bed relax by the fireplace. Just me,myself and I. Guess you could say camp out in the living room. Since I do love camping it'll just be indoors. ;)
Though sitting here thinking which is ALL I ever do. The wondering mind. I probably won't beable to visit the library today. Gonna move in,get things out of storage, (so glad) and get it in and then go buy groceries. OMG yes a REAL fridge with freezer. And a stove that really works and a oven. Oh my been homeless way to long. Can't you tell? Will never EVER be homeless again. Kids are already requesting mom's famous lasagna. The one thing I know how to do is cook. I say only if moms not to tired. If so it's pizza from the oven LOL. In front of the fireplace with them at least tell I get us a kitchen table to stick in the dining room.
Ok so maybe I am getting a tad bit excited. But won't officially tell we exchange check for keys lol. It just won't same real.
Ok it's time to closeout Jason is sitting in his pack n play waiting to be put back to sleep will most likely write another entry before I break down the computer.
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