Well I wanted to share with everyone some goals I have set up for myself. I have put some very deep thought into these goals. I hope you all will follow me thru these goals,support me, cheer me on and be here to watch me accomplish them.
Here are a list of goals I set up for myself.
1. Join a gym,exercise.
2. Lose weight. (At least 20 pds by March 1st)
3. Get drivers license
4. Get my depression under control
5. Become a better Mom
6. Improve my looks this will be by ( getting perm,and contacts)
7. Start a diet
Those are the ones I have set for myself. To me they are far fetched and out of reach. But I am willing to do this. Not for Bill for me!.. Only I know these goals except who I am sharing them with. Which is whoever reads this. Well I am off for the night. Happy reading. Hope I don't bore you like I do myself and Bill.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
So many unanswered questions, and confused feelings.
Well here I am after almost 3 months. Things are truly good with the sense now of having a house. So much space. I decided to come back
to blogging cause I feel it's the only true place I can express how I feel.
And not be put down for how I feel.
I am not even sure where I should start. I got so much I need to get out in the open. Ranging from my goals I am setting up for myself, From Bill and the kids.
I guess I can start with Bill. But be prepared to anyone who reads this, this could turn out to be long. Bill and I are on a roller coaster. Now that we have moved in to the new house he truly refuses to work. Even more now since I got my section 8 voucher. And I say me cause it's in my name only. He does the majority of the housework, laundry etc around here. I have no energy to do it nor desire. But he does seem to sleep ALOT. Even on the nights he sleeps he still naps. Which yes pisses me off. Cause there are nights Jason does not sleep and I need/or want to lay down. But I can't cause either he wants to or I have to take Jason with me. Now don't get me wrong I don't mind that but he is so use to napping downstairs then when taking him and placing him in his crib it throws him off and then he don't want to nap so I can't. But that is the only way I get one. I have to take him cause he can't seem to take care of him.
For instance last night Jason was up EVERY hour and I was exhausted!.. But he was the one to go lay down. And for another thing today I had therapy Jan 31. And I was in session which is suppose to be MY time. Nope we go near the end and we hear a knock on the door. To who's suprise was it Bill. Oh so sorry to interrupt but Jason was getting fussy. Well guess what that wasn't it at all. He knows that if he knocks that that will end my session and then he won't have to take care of him no more.
I have asked him to leave and told him I want a divorce. Even gone to the extent of saying I wanted to seperate. But he still refuses to leave. I am not even sure I love him any more. I mean were always together I have no space or time to myself. Like tonight I wanted to take a warm bath just 5-10 mins to myself and I told him that. He goes oh well poor baby. Did I get that time? NO I ended up giving Tiffany a bath. With him he gets time even if it's 5 mins. I don't get that time. I need a break.
I love my kids to death!... But even bedtime is no time. Michelle loves to sit in the room with me and talk and play comp. Which is truly no problem but it goes back to needing jsut a few mins to me. Ok enough about the space I am sure you all get the idea.
And Bill and not working. He actually told me I needed to go work. And when I mentioned it to my med nurse she said that it was truly a BAD idea. That I was already past my breaking point and going to work would be traumatic for me. Bill thinks that if he leaves I couldn't make it with out him. Guess what I can!... Believe it or not before I met him I had 2 babies and I was working and supporting them and myself. So if I can do it with two I can do it with 5. Sure it would be hard and times would be challenging but I can do it. I guess what I really want from Bill is for him to work,love me,support me,understand the depression, stop telling me how stupid I am. (like duh I already know how stupid I am) I don't need to be reminded. A bitch yes I am and admit that.
Ok enough about him. The other night I was reading a dear friends blog. I took offense to something she wrote. I felt bad cause I knew she wasn't directing it at me. But like she said those were her feelings. I have been pissy with her just like she said. But I was upset with her. Cause I she had not talked to me in a while and I hadn't known she went to see her hubby. And 2 cause I am jealous of her. She was like oh you have no reason to be jealous of her. Yes I do. She don't realize it though. When she writes in her blogs everything is so well put, and she speaks so highly of her husband I am jealous of htat I want that with my husband. But I am to the point I can't stand mine. And I just want mine to make love to me and hold,kiss, dance with me. Instead it seems he has nothing to do with me. He is becoming a bore. I seriously wish I was thin,and pretty and then maybe he would. If I could find the right person and we ALL know who that person is from previous blogs.
I just want to feel like a WOMEN again. I want to know that I mean something to someone.
I feel as if I screwed up a great friendship with her. And I was jealous to cause I don't have no best friends like her. Hell I really don't have no friends. Why cause I truly don't like other women. I am jealous of them.
Due to them being pretty, thin etc. Even the fat ones can look pretty and carry there weight well. Not me. Men don't like fat women. And I don't believe mine does either.
As for the kids there all doing well. Justin is giving a hard hard time out of all of them. Him and Bill fight and call names. I don't know how to stop it. Yes he's a teen but still. But Bill don't do nothing with him. Other then the PS2. He won't play football with him, when Justin wants to help him cook he gets mad at him if he does the slightest thing wrong. I just hate my life. And truly feel that Bill and I need time and space away. For both of us. But he really needs to reevaluate what is important to him and grow up. Like the other day he was like you don't do nothing no more.
Hell your right. We got a house. I am not standing on no dam corner begging for money. If you need something you go do it. He says I always tell him to well your dam right I do. Anyways as you can tell I am truly been pushed to my limits with Bill.
Well I know this is one screwed up blog but.... I warned everyone it would be. Broken pieces of my life are well put. Well I am going to finish this off and write another blog as to somethings I am doing for myself and would like to share. Hope this finds everyone well and better then me.
to blogging cause I feel it's the only true place I can express how I feel.
And not be put down for how I feel.
I am not even sure where I should start. I got so much I need to get out in the open. Ranging from my goals I am setting up for myself, From Bill and the kids.
I guess I can start with Bill. But be prepared to anyone who reads this, this could turn out to be long. Bill and I are on a roller coaster. Now that we have moved in to the new house he truly refuses to work. Even more now since I got my section 8 voucher. And I say me cause it's in my name only. He does the majority of the housework, laundry etc around here. I have no energy to do it nor desire. But he does seem to sleep ALOT. Even on the nights he sleeps he still naps. Which yes pisses me off. Cause there are nights Jason does not sleep and I need/or want to lay down. But I can't cause either he wants to or I have to take Jason with me. Now don't get me wrong I don't mind that but he is so use to napping downstairs then when taking him and placing him in his crib it throws him off and then he don't want to nap so I can't. But that is the only way I get one. I have to take him cause he can't seem to take care of him.
For instance last night Jason was up EVERY hour and I was exhausted!.. But he was the one to go lay down. And for another thing today I had therapy Jan 31. And I was in session which is suppose to be MY time. Nope we go near the end and we hear a knock on the door. To who's suprise was it Bill. Oh so sorry to interrupt but Jason was getting fussy. Well guess what that wasn't it at all. He knows that if he knocks that that will end my session and then he won't have to take care of him no more.
I have asked him to leave and told him I want a divorce. Even gone to the extent of saying I wanted to seperate. But he still refuses to leave. I am not even sure I love him any more. I mean were always together I have no space or time to myself. Like tonight I wanted to take a warm bath just 5-10 mins to myself and I told him that. He goes oh well poor baby. Did I get that time? NO I ended up giving Tiffany a bath. With him he gets time even if it's 5 mins. I don't get that time. I need a break.
I love my kids to death!... But even bedtime is no time. Michelle loves to sit in the room with me and talk and play comp. Which is truly no problem but it goes back to needing jsut a few mins to me. Ok enough about the space I am sure you all get the idea.
And Bill and not working. He actually told me I needed to go work. And when I mentioned it to my med nurse she said that it was truly a BAD idea. That I was already past my breaking point and going to work would be traumatic for me. Bill thinks that if he leaves I couldn't make it with out him. Guess what I can!... Believe it or not before I met him I had 2 babies and I was working and supporting them and myself. So if I can do it with two I can do it with 5. Sure it would be hard and times would be challenging but I can do it. I guess what I really want from Bill is for him to work,love me,support me,understand the depression, stop telling me how stupid I am. (like duh I already know how stupid I am) I don't need to be reminded. A bitch yes I am and admit that.
Ok enough about him. The other night I was reading a dear friends blog. I took offense to something she wrote. I felt bad cause I knew she wasn't directing it at me. But like she said those were her feelings. I have been pissy with her just like she said. But I was upset with her. Cause I she had not talked to me in a while and I hadn't known she went to see her hubby. And 2 cause I am jealous of her. She was like oh you have no reason to be jealous of her. Yes I do. She don't realize it though. When she writes in her blogs everything is so well put, and she speaks so highly of her husband I am jealous of htat I want that with my husband. But I am to the point I can't stand mine. And I just want mine to make love to me and hold,kiss, dance with me. Instead it seems he has nothing to do with me. He is becoming a bore. I seriously wish I was thin,and pretty and then maybe he would. If I could find the right person and we ALL know who that person is from previous blogs.
I just want to feel like a WOMEN again. I want to know that I mean something to someone.
I feel as if I screwed up a great friendship with her. And I was jealous to cause I don't have no best friends like her. Hell I really don't have no friends. Why cause I truly don't like other women. I am jealous of them.
Due to them being pretty, thin etc. Even the fat ones can look pretty and carry there weight well. Not me. Men don't like fat women. And I don't believe mine does either.
As for the kids there all doing well. Justin is giving a hard hard time out of all of them. Him and Bill fight and call names. I don't know how to stop it. Yes he's a teen but still. But Bill don't do nothing with him. Other then the PS2. He won't play football with him, when Justin wants to help him cook he gets mad at him if he does the slightest thing wrong. I just hate my life. And truly feel that Bill and I need time and space away. For both of us. But he really needs to reevaluate what is important to him and grow up. Like the other day he was like you don't do nothing no more.
Hell your right. We got a house. I am not standing on no dam corner begging for money. If you need something you go do it. He says I always tell him to well your dam right I do. Anyways as you can tell I am truly been pushed to my limits with Bill.
Well I know this is one screwed up blog but.... I warned everyone it would be. Broken pieces of my life are well put. Well I am going to finish this off and write another blog as to somethings I am doing for myself and would like to share. Hope this finds everyone well and better then me.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Moving Day
Well I did it!... Finally found a place after 4 long dreary months. I have to say I was so stressed move in day. I was so worried something would back fire. But it didn't... It sure has been one large adjustment from motel life to having this large home. But it feels good. The only thing of the motel I miss is having a real bad. Hardwood floors man are NO GOOD!.... If your just reading this then it's cause I am WAY behind on my journals due to no internet. But I will be back online soon. So glad cause I am going so crazy without it. But making due only cause I have too.
Move in night I made kids and I pizza. Then when they were all tucked away I layed on the floor in the living room and watched the fire. It was so peaceful and relaxing. Which was well needed cause it was nothing but running around that day. Not much to move in really have no furniture to move in on that day anyhow. Well if there is a gap in dates or post it's cause I went and haven't updated them all. Anyways I will always return cause this sure does help. And to my dearest closest friend though we have never meant in person but have known each other for a few years now. I sure do miss ya girl. And all the chats. I hope this little post finds you well and hanging in. Send my love overseas to Shayne and give them kids a kiss and hug for me. Love ya girl and miss ya tons. I am doing fine holding my own at the moment.
Move in night I made kids and I pizza. Then when they were all tucked away I layed on the floor in the living room and watched the fire. It was so peaceful and relaxing. Which was well needed cause it was nothing but running around that day. Not much to move in really have no furniture to move in on that day anyhow. Well if there is a gap in dates or post it's cause I went and haven't updated them all. Anyways I will always return cause this sure does help. And to my dearest closest friend though we have never meant in person but have known each other for a few years now. I sure do miss ya girl. And all the chats. I hope this little post finds you well and hanging in. Send my love overseas to Shayne and give them kids a kiss and hug for me. Love ya girl and miss ya tons. I am doing fine holding my own at the moment.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Thoughts of the morning
Well time is approaching fast. Yes still don't seem real!... Steph honey the next time you read this remember Shayne,you and the kids are in my thoughts. I will so miss you and the support, and friendship you and me have. Remember as you tell me TAKE YOUR MEDS!... Shayne will be home then cherish every moment of it you,him and the kids.
And if for some reason I don't get to chat with you before Thanksgiving you have a safe trip to Heathers and your parents. But remember to drop me a line. And please drive safe. Have Heather change subjects for you when it gets uncomfortable with your mom. Love ya girl and will miss ya. I promise to get back online soon.
I'm not the only one who thought by getting a home would make Bill and I less stressed. I mean I know now things between us will never change. Just wish I had some one to give me a hug. Crying is impossible the pain is just to much. The darkness,emptiness,lonliness,worthliness,anxiety omg I seem to always have that which makes it hard cause chest hurts almost all the time now. It never seems to end. Though he has agreed to take me to the attorney on Fri. And he did tell the kids yesterday when he picked them up from school.
I guess kinda whats so confusing to me is that when we thought we had a house and the old lady changed her mind for BIZARRE reasons and I mean truly only if you had heard her reasons. Any how he cryed yes a grown man crying I knew then he was fustrated with this whole homeless thing. And they say men don't cry. No not like he admitted it but it wasn't the first time I had seen him cry either. But it just hurts me MAJORLY he crys over a house. But don't show no emotion about the fact a 14 1/2 year marriage is ending.
Like he has told me before it's been nothing but pure HELL for him all them years. Bill I am so sorry. I truly am. I know I never did NOTHING right. I mean do men really have feelings, do they have a heart? The emotinal,feeling kind of heart.
And if for some reason I don't get to chat with you before Thanksgiving you have a safe trip to Heathers and your parents. But remember to drop me a line. And please drive safe. Have Heather change subjects for you when it gets uncomfortable with your mom. Love ya girl and will miss ya. I promise to get back online soon.
I'm not the only one who thought by getting a home would make Bill and I less stressed. I mean I know now things between us will never change. Just wish I had some one to give me a hug. Crying is impossible the pain is just to much. The darkness,emptiness,lonliness,worthliness,anxiety omg I seem to always have that which makes it hard cause chest hurts almost all the time now. It never seems to end. Though he has agreed to take me to the attorney on Fri. And he did tell the kids yesterday when he picked them up from school.
I guess kinda whats so confusing to me is that when we thought we had a house and the old lady changed her mind for BIZARRE reasons and I mean truly only if you had heard her reasons. Any how he cryed yes a grown man crying I knew then he was fustrated with this whole homeless thing. And they say men don't cry. No not like he admitted it but it wasn't the first time I had seen him cry either. But it just hurts me MAJORLY he crys over a house. But don't show no emotion about the fact a 14 1/2 year marriage is ending.
Like he has told me before it's been nothing but pure HELL for him all them years. Bill I am so sorry. I truly am. I know I never did NOTHING right. I mean do men really have feelings, do they have a heart? The emotinal,feeling kind of heart.
Moving day and NOT excited
Well again here I am in the middle of the night wide awake. Back up at 2am. Went to neopets,read emails and now here I am writing. If there's any one who is ever up or wants to chat just drop me a line any time at dayxdreamxangel@aol.com, or unlucky_2_b_me@yahoo.com.
Ok as for the unlucky email them are underscores (_) between them but can't til cause they are underlined. I know weird email addys huh? Oh well I happen to pick them as how I feel. I am unlucky and I do day dream ALOT.
Insomnia oh how it does suck. Ok well today is moving day!.. Yes... So why am I not happy. Been homeless since mid summer and I finally got a home. Could it be the fact that I had seriously thought that by calling a divorce lawyer while Bill was here was going to change anything? Yeah..Right.. Whatever!... I knew better then that. But you know what thats ok. Ok so I say that now but later it will be different. I hate the up and down roller coaster of emotions.
Kids are so excited about moving in today. I mean they get there own rooms,space,toys and a yard to play in lol. They are so excited!.. Me I'm looking forward to NOT being in this small 4 walled room. And oh my most favorite of the house is the fireplace. May not be able to have a romantic night but I will sure enjoy the piece and crackling of logs. I won't have internet but should by the end of the week! Oh yes I so live for my computer. Have to say it's my best friend. LMAO.. So maybe that's not true but you know what. Oh well.
No t.v.,no internet omg what am I going to do. I am going to be board out of my mind. I'm already crazy so I can't do that. Still got to do some packing in the room can't do that til the kids are up.
After 11 am I won't be online. I will so miss it. But I will just go to the library and get online for a hour later. *fingers crossed* LoL. But I will be glad when phone is on and dsl is hooked up.
I just hope the neighbor don't come over. She did the other night while we were there and I really don't like her. Ok I don't like no one. But that's beside the point. I do have a best friend online met a few years back never met in person but she does help me thru the tough times. Even if it is everyday. And her sister to though we rarely talk she is just always so busy. But were usually in each others thought. And well Jack he's my best friend as well. He just doesn't know it.
Well my plans for today is to get moved into the new place. And when all the kids are bathed and tucked in bed relax by the fireplace. Just me,myself and I. Guess you could say camp out in the living room. Since I do love camping it'll just be indoors. ;)
Though sitting here thinking which is ALL I ever do. The wondering mind. I probably won't beable to visit the library today. Gonna move in,get things out of storage, (so glad) and get it in and then go buy groceries. OMG yes a REAL fridge with freezer. And a stove that really works and a oven. Oh my been homeless way to long. Can't you tell? Will never EVER be homeless again. Kids are already requesting mom's famous lasagna. The one thing I know how to do is cook. I say only if moms not to tired. If so it's pizza from the oven LOL. In front of the fireplace with them at least tell I get us a kitchen table to stick in the dining room.
Ok so maybe I am getting a tad bit excited. But won't officially tell we exchange check for keys lol. It just won't same real.
Ok it's time to closeout Jason is sitting in his pack n play waiting to be put back to sleep will most likely write another entry before I break down the computer.
Ok as for the unlucky email them are underscores (_) between them but can't til cause they are underlined. I know weird email addys huh? Oh well I happen to pick them as how I feel. I am unlucky and I do day dream ALOT.
Insomnia oh how it does suck. Ok well today is moving day!.. Yes... So why am I not happy. Been homeless since mid summer and I finally got a home. Could it be the fact that I had seriously thought that by calling a divorce lawyer while Bill was here was going to change anything? Yeah..Right.. Whatever!... I knew better then that. But you know what thats ok. Ok so I say that now but later it will be different. I hate the up and down roller coaster of emotions.
Kids are so excited about moving in today. I mean they get there own rooms,space,toys and a yard to play in lol. They are so excited!.. Me I'm looking forward to NOT being in this small 4 walled room. And oh my most favorite of the house is the fireplace. May not be able to have a romantic night but I will sure enjoy the piece and crackling of logs. I won't have internet but should by the end of the week! Oh yes I so live for my computer. Have to say it's my best friend. LMAO.. So maybe that's not true but you know what. Oh well.
No t.v.,no internet omg what am I going to do. I am going to be board out of my mind. I'm already crazy so I can't do that. Still got to do some packing in the room can't do that til the kids are up.
After 11 am I won't be online. I will so miss it. But I will just go to the library and get online for a hour later. *fingers crossed* LoL. But I will be glad when phone is on and dsl is hooked up.
I just hope the neighbor don't come over. She did the other night while we were there and I really don't like her. Ok I don't like no one. But that's beside the point. I do have a best friend online met a few years back never met in person but she does help me thru the tough times. Even if it is everyday. And her sister to though we rarely talk she is just always so busy. But were usually in each others thought. And well Jack he's my best friend as well. He just doesn't know it.
Well my plans for today is to get moved into the new place. And when all the kids are bathed and tucked in bed relax by the fireplace. Just me,myself and I. Guess you could say camp out in the living room. Since I do love camping it'll just be indoors. ;)
Though sitting here thinking which is ALL I ever do. The wondering mind. I probably won't beable to visit the library today. Gonna move in,get things out of storage, (so glad) and get it in and then go buy groceries. OMG yes a REAL fridge with freezer. And a stove that really works and a oven. Oh my been homeless way to long. Can't you tell? Will never EVER be homeless again. Kids are already requesting mom's famous lasagna. The one thing I know how to do is cook. I say only if moms not to tired. If so it's pizza from the oven LOL. In front of the fireplace with them at least tell I get us a kitchen table to stick in the dining room.
Ok so maybe I am getting a tad bit excited. But won't officially tell we exchange check for keys lol. It just won't same real.
Ok it's time to closeout Jason is sitting in his pack n play waiting to be put back to sleep will most likely write another entry before I break down the computer.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Why do I care?
Ok this whole journal thing is suppose to be someplace to tell how you feel. So why do I care what others think about my last posting. No not like anyone has said anything about it. Shouldn't care even if they did right? I mean there my feelings.
Guess maybe I should explain. I'm the really the only one who cares about them. I realize I'm married but I can't help it. Not married for much longer though. I called a divorce lawyer and it's scheduled to get the detainers and everything up in running on Fri at 12 pm. Bill just left to get the kids from school. Jason is napping. Gives me a hour and 45 mins to myself. Space as I call it.
Ever hurt so bad that you can't even cry? Well I do at the moment. I just wish I had someone to hold me in there arms and just say it's going to be ok. I mean what I wouldn't give just to hear the words I LOVE YOU again. And have them truly meant. You know even though I like the dr. ok (Jack) is his name seems more proper to use his name. One he'd never have no interest in me as one I am his patient. And two I'm fat,ugly and well mentally ill. And 3. I would hate to have another relationship or even marriage for that fact for me just to allow myself to be hurt again. 4. I do believe he is married. I can't stand the hurt no more. All I ever wanted was for Bill to love me for me. I no there is no true meaning of NORMAL. But HELL I want to be NORMAL again. I wanna to be loved to know I mean something to somebody. Except I feel used and well thrown to the curb like garbage. I want to be pretty like I once was.
You know the only thing I ever did right was having my kids. Everything else I regret. I knew they said love hurts. I am not even sure it's love. I think it's more the depression. I mean I am pretty much a single mother now just living with the other half. Who really does nothing at ALL.
I mean I use to have dreams. One I always wanted to be a singer. Yes I know a singer. Never going to happen. And a midwife or ob/gyn those were my career dreams. My other one was learning to ride a motorcycle and owning a log cabin home. So not going to happen either. I mean I really don't do nothing right.
And never finished school dropped out of 10 th and moved away from home. I mean really how many fat women ride bikes. The only thing I got going for me are my breast lmao. At least when a man does look at me they talk to the breast instead of my face I know I got a little of something they like. I mean men don't like fat women. None I know of at least. Sorry women this is just how I feel. Please don't take it personally to you if anyone reads this. Well Jason is awake and he is saying it's play time so time to wind this down and go play with baby. At least I had time to get this out.
Guess maybe I should explain. I'm the really the only one who cares about them. I realize I'm married but I can't help it. Not married for much longer though. I called a divorce lawyer and it's scheduled to get the detainers and everything up in running on Fri at 12 pm. Bill just left to get the kids from school. Jason is napping. Gives me a hour and 45 mins to myself. Space as I call it.
Ever hurt so bad that you can't even cry? Well I do at the moment. I just wish I had someone to hold me in there arms and just say it's going to be ok. I mean what I wouldn't give just to hear the words I LOVE YOU again. And have them truly meant. You know even though I like the dr. ok (Jack) is his name seems more proper to use his name. One he'd never have no interest in me as one I am his patient. And two I'm fat,ugly and well mentally ill. And 3. I would hate to have another relationship or even marriage for that fact for me just to allow myself to be hurt again. 4. I do believe he is married. I can't stand the hurt no more. All I ever wanted was for Bill to love me for me. I no there is no true meaning of NORMAL. But HELL I want to be NORMAL again. I wanna to be loved to know I mean something to somebody. Except I feel used and well thrown to the curb like garbage. I want to be pretty like I once was.
You know the only thing I ever did right was having my kids. Everything else I regret. I knew they said love hurts. I am not even sure it's love. I think it's more the depression. I mean I am pretty much a single mother now just living with the other half. Who really does nothing at ALL.
I mean I use to have dreams. One I always wanted to be a singer. Yes I know a singer. Never going to happen. And a midwife or ob/gyn those were my career dreams. My other one was learning to ride a motorcycle and owning a log cabin home. So not going to happen either. I mean I really don't do nothing right.
And never finished school dropped out of 10 th and moved away from home. I mean really how many fat women ride bikes. The only thing I got going for me are my breast lmao. At least when a man does look at me they talk to the breast instead of my face I know I got a little of something they like. I mean men don't like fat women. None I know of at least. Sorry women this is just how I feel. Please don't take it personally to you if anyone reads this. Well Jason is awake and he is saying it's play time so time to wind this down and go play with baby. At least I had time to get this out.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Lost in Life
I never thought or saw myself keeping a online diary (blog). But I'm hoping that by writing down my thoughts and experiences dealing with depression might beable to help others know that they are not alone. That there feelings of lonliness,emptiness,darkness,paranoia,feeling of worthlessness,not belonging, along with the many other feelings we all feel. And in hopes it helps me by getting it out in the open since I really have no one else to tell not even hubby. And the one person I can tell who listens and truly understands is my family Dr. Oh is he a sweetheart. Ok really more then a sweetheart but what can I say. I actually trust him!.. I have major trust issues but with him I honestly can connect to him. As you can figure out he is the other man I mentioned in the first blog. (blushing now) Of course if he was to read this well then he probably would never see me as his patient again. Last I knew he was married though. And a man of his stature wouldn't want to be with a mentally ill crazy women who weighs nearly 300 pds. Yes I do think VERY and SPEAK very HIGHLY of the DR. So when most people say they don't like going to the dr.s I truly do. Even if it's bad. He is always supportive to me. And is always there not like my hubby. If that's what you call him. But for the last few months I have been having some MAJOR issues with hubby. And after careful thought I am going to call a divorce lawyer. He seriously thinks that I won't... But I really don't know if I love him. I do EVERYTHING when it comes to him. Even outside people who don't even know us has realized that. As I write this we are going at it. He complains when he has to cook dinner. I mean we have been homeless for a while now. And we wouldn't of been housed for as long as we have if it wasn't for me!.. I don't know how much more I can give and do. And I can't just say NO I won't do them. I have 5 kids to raise and think about. There the reasons I do ALL I do do. I mean there my love,my life,my passion. The reasons I keep going and haven't went thru with suicide. I mean in all honesty I do think about it time to time. And have actually tried it 2 in the younger years. There the reasons I don't go back to drinking and drugs. I mean if I did that what kind of example would I be setting for my kids? What kind of parent and mother would I be? Not a very good one. I always promised myself that I was going to be a better mother then the one I had. And believe me she wasn't very good. I mean she only walked out on me when I was 8 years old knowing my father was sexually abusing me. And never looked back. Anyways I will post this for now and write more later. Have a very sleepy baby.
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