What is Happiness

I often wonder and lay awake at night,day dream and just wonder what it would be like to be HAPPY again. I can't remember when I was ever happy.

Ok maybe I can. The day my beautiful children were born. But a friend said it perfect when she wrote in her blog and I quote.

"but I can't reach the light. I feel like I'm running through fog." Well I have to say I feel the same way. I have been so caught up in my own pain I have forgotten about her own pain. And I am sorry for that. We went from chatting everyday and helping each other thru our struggles to being invisible.

So many questions. I often wonder why god put me here. I have no friends I have become from feeling like a women to feeling like a WHALE. I went to the dr.s today for some tests, and to find out what was causing the overextend witch. 4 weeks and 2nd time it's happen and they have no clue as to why. The extra hormones aren't working. The therapy with the ibuprofen isn't working either. Upon further exam they do know its comming from the utereus but that's it.

300 pd mark with weight was reached. 1 oz off of the mark. I keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And thats even trying to eat less. The weight issues is killing me inside.

I often wonder and ponder and question why I was put on earth. I don't make a good friend,wife,mother, daughter. I mean truly what makes a good friend/best friend? Something I truly never really had. I always thought a best friend was only one. Who knows.

And upon all this I feel as if no one in the world understands what I am going thru or understand me!... I am depressed,lonely,severely overweight, feel unloved, not understood, not a women no more, i'm struggling with everything right now.

And the constant bickering about me nursing. I mean what the hell is up with that. It's almost like that doesn't go on anymore. I feel as if I have to stop to please others and just make them happy.

Ok I don't stop cause if I do I feel as if I would relapse back into the drugs and alcohol, And I love the bond we have. I am scared that if I quit nursing I will lose that with my son. He's the one who helps me keep going. And all this fuss cause medication is the only thing they think will help. So to get meds I have to quit nursing. Either way I feel as if I am in a no win situation.

I am hurting inside and even the people who I know are suppose to be there to support me I feel as if there not. I feel as if I am a lost cause. Someone who is just lost in life no where to run,no one to turn to. Where do I go to from here?

I know everyone tries to avoid me,the dr.,my kids,my husband ( If that's what you can call him) I mean he is suppose to be the one I can turn to right? Not he don't understand either. And if he does then he just don't care. I saw on t.v. the other night. Some one mentioned something about blogging and that it's for losers. Well hell I know i'm a loser. But I do know some people who blog and they are far from losers. So I guess it only pretains to a vast number of people. Me being one of them. I know I really don't even know why I blog. If anyone does read these they probably think omg shes a total loser and really crazy. Just so everyone knows I am!..