So many unanswered questions, and confused feelings.

Well here I am after almost 3 months. Things are truly good with the sense now of having a house. So much space. I decided to come back
to blogging cause I feel it's the only true place I can express how I feel.
And not be put down for how I feel.

I am not even sure where I should start. I got so much I need to get out in the open. Ranging from my goals I am setting up for myself, From Bill and the kids.

I guess I can start with Bill. But be prepared to anyone who reads this, this could turn out to be long. Bill and I are on a roller coaster. Now that we have moved in to the new house he truly refuses to work. Even more now since I got my section 8 voucher. And I say me cause it's in my name only. He does the majority of the housework, laundry etc around here. I have no energy to do it nor desire. But he does seem to sleep ALOT. Even on the nights he sleeps he still naps. Which yes pisses me off. Cause there are nights Jason does not sleep and I need/or want to lay down. But I can't cause either he wants to or I have to take Jason with me. Now don't get me wrong I don't mind that but he is so use to napping downstairs then when taking him and placing him in his crib it throws him off and then he don't want to nap so I can't. But that is the only way I get one. I have to take him cause he can't seem to take care of him.

For instance last night Jason was up EVERY hour and I was exhausted!.. But he was the one to go lay down. And for another thing today I had therapy Jan 31. And I was in session which is suppose to be MY time. Nope we go near the end and we hear a knock on the door. To who's suprise was it Bill. Oh so sorry to interrupt but Jason was getting fussy. Well guess what that wasn't it at all. He knows that if he knocks that that will end my session and then he won't have to take care of him no more.

I have asked him to leave and told him I want a divorce. Even gone to the extent of saying I wanted to seperate. But he still refuses to leave. I am not even sure I love him any more. I mean were always together I have no space or time to myself. Like tonight I wanted to take a warm bath just 5-10 mins to myself and I told him that. He goes oh well poor baby. Did I get that time? NO I ended up giving Tiffany a bath. With him he gets time even if it's 5 mins. I don't get that time. I need a break.

I love my kids to death!... But even bedtime is no time. Michelle loves to sit in the room with me and talk and play comp. Which is truly no problem but it goes back to needing jsut a few mins to me. Ok enough about the space I am sure you all get the idea.

And Bill and not working. He actually told me I needed to go work. And when I mentioned it to my med nurse she said that it was truly a BAD idea. That I was already past my breaking point and going to work would be traumatic for me. Bill thinks that if he leaves I couldn't make it with out him. Guess what I can!... Believe it or not before I met him I had 2 babies and I was working and supporting them and myself. So if I can do it with two I can do it with 5. Sure it would be hard and times would be challenging but I can do it. I guess what I really want from Bill is for him to work,love me,support me,understand the depression, stop telling me how stupid I am. (like duh I already know how stupid I am) I don't need to be reminded. A bitch yes I am and admit that.

Ok enough about him. The other night I was reading a dear friends blog. I took offense to something she wrote. I felt bad cause I knew she wasn't directing it at me. But like she said those were her feelings. I have been pissy with her just like she said. But I was upset with her. Cause I she had not talked to me in a while and I hadn't known she went to see her hubby. And 2 cause I am jealous of her. She was like oh you have no reason to be jealous of her. Yes I do. She don't realize it though. When she writes in her blogs everything is so well put, and she speaks so highly of her husband I am jealous of htat I want that with my husband. But I am to the point I can't stand mine. And I just want mine to make love to me and hold,kiss, dance with me. Instead it seems he has nothing to do with me. He is becoming a bore. I seriously wish I was thin,and pretty and then maybe he would. If I could find the right person and we ALL know who that person is from previous blogs.

I just want to feel like a WOMEN again. I want to know that I mean something to someone.

I feel as if I screwed up a great friendship with her. And I was jealous to cause I don't have no best friends like her. Hell I really don't have no friends. Why cause I truly don't like other women. I am jealous of them.
Due to them being pretty, thin etc. Even the fat ones can look pretty and carry there weight well. Not me. Men don't like fat women. And I don't believe mine does either.

As for the kids there all doing well. Justin is giving a hard hard time out of all of them. Him and Bill fight and call names. I don't know how to stop it. Yes he's a teen but still. But Bill don't do nothing with him. Other then the PS2. He won't play football with him, when Justin wants to help him cook he gets mad at him if he does the slightest thing wrong. I just hate my life. And truly feel that Bill and I need time and space away. For both of us. But he really needs to reevaluate what is important to him and grow up. Like the other day he was like you don't do nothing no more.

Hell your right. We got a house. I am not standing on no dam corner begging for money. If you need something you go do it. He says I always tell him to well your dam right I do. Anyways as you can tell I am truly been pushed to my limits with Bill.

Well I know this is one screwed up blog but.... I warned everyone it would be. Broken pieces of my life are well put. Well I am going to finish this off and write another blog as to somethings I am doing for myself and would like to share. Hope this finds everyone well and better then me.